At first glance, the moody superhero aesthetic of Batman would seem nothing like the lowbrow teen antics of American Pie. Yet, somehow, the soundtrack to Batman Forever managed to bridge the gap of sensual fuck jams. Now we’re balls deep in the aural erotica for a new generation. As well as a film that blew open the enduring paradox of reflecting a crucial and timeless gauntlet in (hetero) male youth, while everyone else asked if we actually needed to see this on screen.
As desperate as Jim was to feel that sweet apple pie, Alexander and I were hoping for some authentic era buttrock and antique era ska. Much like that pie, there was more dick here than dessert.
The literal failure for our protagonist in this narrative is he doesn’t get his dick in.
D: Oh jeez, starting the album now. Third Eye Blind straight away and I already feel like I’m in the establishing scene of a teen comedy.
A: That means it’s done it’s job perfectly!
D: We should probably get started if we’re going to crack this nut; there is a lot of butt rock to talk about.
A: There so much butt rock, and surprisingly very little ska punk, but I’m ready.
D: There is ska, though! So little that it did catch me off guard, like, ‘what the fuck is this? Oh, YEAH, SKA IS A THING’.
D: Shall we start things off by addressing the obvious of what’s not here musically?
A: Good idea. I thought Flagpole Sitta was the biggest snub for the soundtrack, but it’s not.
D: By that, of course I mean, where is the American Pie song?
A: You know, it never even crossed my mind that that song should be in the film. But it probably should’ve been, even if musically it wouldn’t have fitted at all. It would’ve been butt rock, pop punk, emo, pop punk, your dad’s favourite song, pop punk, ska punk, etc.
D: Well, as we’ve all learnt and loved in the Pie franchise, it’s that dads like to fuck, too.
A: Oh, Eugene Levy LOVES fuck. To the extent that he repeatedly shows his son pornography. Eugene’s character must be lonely, especially as his wife is canonically dead in the last movie.
D: I have not seen it, but he does fuck Stifler’s Mom in Reunion, right? The trailers allude to that inevitable gag.
A: Oh, I think he might! If she’s the original MILF, is he the original DILF?
D: The build up to that does involve killing off Jim’s mother.
A: She had to die for him to get his end away. They killed her off for the premise of a joke.
D: And, of course, I have to assume he also battled Finch, who has found his way with Stifler’s Mom pretty much every time at the end of a film. For all the spin-offs, I feel cheated we missed out on that AVP/ BVS style smackdown.
A: Finch vs Jim’s Dad… whoever wins… Stifler’s Mum loses… It does feel like, if they were to have American Pie in the film, it should’ve been a scene with Jim’s Dad. Instead, he got to dance off to One Week.
D: Because Eugene Levy is real hip and cool with the kids.
A: IT‘S BEYUN years, but he’s still cool. Sorry, I had to get at least one in there.
D: Depending on just how much we squeeze out of this soundtrack, we may have to lean heavily on memes. We do start off strong, if you want to talk Third Eye Blind.
New Girl Third Eye Blind
D: I know how much you love the use of that iconic track, and they do use it in the film, but for the soundtrack? We’re getting those deep cuts straight away. I would probably class most of these songs as deep cuts, in the sense that I don’t recognise any of these bands.
A: The bands themselves are the deep cuts, for sure. The only physical CDs of theirs that exist are probably deep in the back of someone’s cupboard or glove box. You know that someone has had a clear out in recent years, pulled out a CD and said, “who the fuck is Sugar Ray?” Third Eye Blind are actually one of the bigger bands here, which isn’t saying much.
D: The only Memento style clue you might get is a worn sticker ‘featured in American Pie‘. Third Eye get by on nailing that universal truth; even outside the grungers of yester-generation, we all do have semi-charmed lives. Whereas, we’ll find every other song here is purely about fucking in college.
A: They’re all about that. Aside from this song, which is about the singer’s willingness to, “be a terrorist”. Bad line to kick the song off, brother.
D: It’s high school, the ’90’s, it’s… relevant, I guess. Jim didn’t get that pent up with frustration. Saying that, if he was a domestic terrorist, we’ve already seen him shoot prematurely!
A: He got close! If he hadn’t let it out at the end of the movie, I fear how he would’ve turned out in the sequel. Would’ve been a thriller called Quiet Jim.
D: Eugene gets some room to show his acting chops in We Need To Talk About Jim.
A: “I knew I shouldn’t have shown him Shaved Magazine! What a week I’m having!” As for the song, I’m blown away by how much the intro sounds like Blink 182.
D: I do make a note of that we’ll hit soon, Blink really is quite peak butt rock in many ways. They’re a butt rock black hole that these other smaller bands orbit.
A: That’s so true, and this song has heavy undertones of that. Though the verses almost have a ska tinge to them. You know what? It’s a perfectly fine song. It’s kind of goofy and dumb, but hard to hate.
D: They got in quick, as well, before any of the other bands, which we’re probably going to hate on purely due to succession. Have we reached that point already with track two and Tonic?
You Wanted More Tonic
D: It’s a fair bit different; the vocals try to be a lot more emotional than the music is suggesting.
A: It does. It has such a fucking catchy riff, that very late ’90’s kind of rock riff that fuels the entire song, and it all hangs around that. Weirdly, it has 2.6 million views on YouTube, so this was clearly a hit.
D: Okay, so we are both on the first playlist that shows up, I had to say, the lead singer has a Tom Green look to him, no?
A: Oh, he does!!! Maybe it’s his janitor’s uniform, but he doesn’t look like he’d be in this kind of band. Again, not a bad song! I’m not about to rush out and buy a handful of Tonic albums, but it’s alright!
D: As you said about the riff, he seems to be really trying his best to sell his vocals; hoping people are listening in between the guitar bits.
A: He does have a pretty damn weak voice.
D: I’ve already gone into wild land here; no idea who Tony Tonic is, but not a bad song by any stretch. If it had no riff, the vocals would definitely drag the song out.
A: The verses are weirdly at odds with the chorus; buttrock riff, then the chorus opens into very pop territory. Makes me think they’re a buttrock band and they wrote this to be their crossover single.
D: Exactly, and we get quite a few songs like that. Speaking of vocals, voice of a whiny generation up next!
Mutt Blink 182
A: I thoroughly believe that Tom Delonge is to blame for every emo band that ever whined, “toimme to get out of this teeeooowwwwn”.
D: A song which I first read as Nutt, that may be a more modern teen sex comedy.
A: The use of the song in the film is right as he’s running to see Nadia where he nuts twice, so that would be more apt! I can’t review this song objectively because it has a place in my heart. I used to LOVE this song.
D: I did used to have Blink CDs, too. I don’t know if I hold as much nostalgia for them, but they have their place in butt rock history. If the voice is an instrument, Blink 182 taught us they do not need to be tuned.
A: God, that’s so true. It must be affected, surely? Nobody pronounces anything like that. But, I hear the opening to this and it still makes me smile, pure nostalgia for me on this one. I’m not going to pop it on my phone and have it as my ringtone, but every now and then, it’s a good laugh.
D: This whole album’s been pretty positive so far. We’re still plucky upstart teens in this comedy journey.
A: Right off the bat(man), this album is better than Forever.
D: You say that, and yet, I know someone who today, in 2017, played Busted off his phone. Not on Spotify. On his actual phone memory.
A: Oh my GOD.
D: He has a modern iPhone, but I swear, his SD card must be at least a decade old.
A: I can’t believe it’s still a possibility to get Busted songs. Feels like, post 2009, their songs should’ve been deleted from the data banks. The same goes for the next song.
Glory Sugar Ray
D: Here we go. Maybe the first track we don’t have some love for, “thOOUght you AAAAAAAAlmost diiiEEd“.
A: This is the first track that I struggled to finish. The riff is just horribly annoying, and there is record scratching in there. Tuneless, pointless, rhythm-less scratching.
D: I may have snarked on Blink, but this literally sounds like a douchbag trying to shout over a song played at a party.
A: That is so accurate. I hate this guy and I’ve no idea who he is. I know the name Sugar Ray but I cannot, for the life of me, figure out who they are.
D: Just those opening vocals sound like the guy wandered into the recording booth and is drunkenly talking to the guitar player. No consideration to them recording an album at all.
D: Oh, the main dude looks like a soft clone of Henry Rollins.
A: Of course that’s what he looks like. A computer generated image of a buttrock singer. Also worth pointing out, there were three bands from this period named Sugar Ray, Sugarbomb and Sugar Cult.
D: Henry Rollins was like a guy who escaped the computer, Tron style, he became raw and real.
A: He made one awful song and disappeared again. Wanted to get in on the sugar rush of the late ’90’s.
D: Aw, I actually listen to Rollins, unless, of course, you meant the other dude.
A: I’ve never listened to him! The one awful song was referring to Sugar Ray. Rollins seems like a cool guy!
D: His stand up is something; if you thought Dennis Leary could monologue complaints, you ain’t heard nothing.
A: His opinions seem great from what I’ve seen so that’s lucky.
D: You had a good point with the sugar craze; the next song Super Down by Super TransAtlantic? Begging to be forgettable; too many supers, calm down.
Super Down Super TransAtlantic
A: It is forgettable. It gets slightly into the emotional territory again, like the soundtrack compilers wanted to throw in some tracks for the serious bits. These guys fuck, but they also feel. Also, my god, does the opening sound like Teenage Dirtbag; those muffled drum sounds.
D: There‘s something about the Blink whine tone yelling, “SUUUUUUPER DOWN, IM FEELING SUPER DOWN” that’s almost anti-emotional.
A: That’s so true. I don’t think these bands realise they cannot convey feelings by just SHRIEKING.
D: It took a good few years for the collective society to really catch onto the whole pop rock mentality, “I’m gonna yell sing about this girl that turned me down” before telling them to fuck off; no one cares.
A: But when they caught on? No stopping them whatsoever. Luckily, I found fuck all on this band; they are almost non-existent and don’t even have a wiki page.
D: I bet they’re feeling super down now.
A: They got their 0.5 million views on the ol’ ‘tube. That’ll keep them going on those cold nights.
D: Unless, they were legitimately super down, no one paid this song attention, they could be super dead.
A: Rest in Super Peace, guys!
D: These films do really fuel that rock message. The literal failure for our protagonist in this narrative is he doesn’t get his dick in.
A: If he doesn’t get the nookie, at least he can shove a cookie up his ass, according to Limp Bizkit. But, then the next song comes in and tells them, “hey guys, it’s okay, you can find your way… to getting your nuts wet”.
Find Your Way Back Home Dishwalla
D: Another soft emotional tune… by Dishwalla… who… the fuck?
A: I have NO clue who, or what, a Dishwalla is. They sound like a cleaning product, their name and their music. Very, very cut and paste anthemic rock, not entirely unpleasant, but it is lacking.
D: This was originally used for the sad post-defeat scene of Jim washing his lust stained underwear.
A: He used his tears to wash the Jim jism… and listened to this goddamn song.
D: Why does that sound like an actual hilarious scene that could be in these films?
A: I love the line, “you used to talk to god” because I want to know which American Pie character that refers to… Stifler?
D: What a small, bleak world they have.
A: It would be bleak if this was the music you listened to everyday.
D: Oh, you know it probably was for at least a couple dudes in college. Their whole plan went as far as, “if girls hear I’m listening to the American Pie music, they’ll think about sex!”
A: If they hear this Dishwalla song, they’ll remember when Jason Biggs stuck his dong in a pie, and suddenly want a dong stuck in their pie!
D: This the first time we’ve actually mentioned that scene, something we need to discuss. What was Jim going to do with that pie if his dad hadn’t walked in?
A: What we see is him with his dinger crammed into the pie, and if I remember, he’s really enjoying it. He didn’t even think to take it to his bedroom, he does it right there on the kitchen table. So, I guess he was going to just… finish up?
D: That’s how horny he was, just right there in the kitchen.
A: He saw the pie and thought, “well, I oughta just go for it”.
D: In the comedic aftermath, we see it’s completely mashed. His parents were definitely going to ask if he threw the remains away… unless he was a deviant bastard who’d try to reassemble the pie.
A: Or… he going to eat it himself, he certainly worked up an appetite. Isn’t it weird to name a film after that one scene?
D: One of the writers has said it’s also named that because the pursuit of getting laid in high school is, “American as apple pie”. This movie has layers, much like that pie has layers of apple and cream filling.
A: They have an answer to all my questions!
D: How come American Pie 2 didn’t ramp it up with Jim having a threesome with two pies? That seems as logical as marrying a pie in the Wedding.
A: It is decided! Marry that pie!
D: If he doesn’t, the belated fourth could’ve been Bastard Pie.
A: It’s Adam and Eve not Adam and Pie!
D: Much like the aborted Ripley clones in Alien Resurrection, we get a bunch of Jim/pie hybrids.
A: “Jim’s Pie Babies” sounds like the worst restaurant ever conceived.
D: Every visual potential of that title is not great. We’ve gotten to the absurd graphic stuff then, we still have more butt rock to go.
Good Morning Baby Dan Wilson & Bic Runga
A: But before that… the most boring song I’ve ever listened to. A song so bland, I’ve listened to it twice and cannot recall a single note of it.
D: If this is the post-coital song, no wonder the guys are always falling asleep straight after, am I right???
A: If this song plays every time, I’m not saying, “good morning, baby”, I’m saying, “bye bye, baby!” and then, “never call me again”.
D: “Bye bye, man! OH NOOOO-” I like the concept of Bye Bye Baby; the high concept pitch of that horror and Boss Baby.
A: Like the very concept itself, I don’t want to say it or think it. It’s theme tune is this god awful song. Okay, maybe it’s not god awful, but it is god boring.
D: As boring or more than the next song? If we’re moving swiftly on to a song I’d recommend for the theme of Stranger Things if season 3 hits the ’90’s.
Stranger By The Day Shades Apart
A: This was the first one I had to look up, to remember just what the hell it is now. The only strange thing about it is how it’s only four minutes when it feels like forty. That horrible moany, grizzled buttrock voice.
D: That chorus really does feel like it should be a terrible ’90’s show theme, right? What kind of show? Maybe some cheap Buffy knock-off, maybe, only a season in and already feels dated.
A: One that lasted one season, and got repeats on E4, somehow. Just generic enough to work as a theme song.
D: Well, we don’t get whining next. In fact, I’m not sure what we do get.
Summertime Bachelor No. 1
A: We get a welcome bit of sunniness, even if it’s a corny as hell song.
D: A very beachy OC song.
A: Oh, it is very OC. In fact, so many songs on this soundtrack remind me of the soundtrack to that film, Orange County. This has very strong beach vibes even though American Pie has no beaches in it.
D: I never actually saw that film, but I will never forget Jack Black with an orange in his mouth.
A: He doesn’t even put an orange in his mouth in the film! Flagrant false advertising!
D: The holy trinity of orange smiles; the Godfather, John Locke, and Jack Black.
A: They’re the big three, and what great guys. I’ll never forget when Jack Black died and had an immortal being used his body as a vessel for evil. Going back to the song, though, it’s weird because American Pie isn’t even set during the summer; it’s during term time.
D: For an actual moment, I thought back to Godfather II to remember if that was a plot point.
A: I never saw it, so it could’ve been!
D: Right, we’re almost there. I’m sorry, Alex, but we’re going balls deep back into buttrock.
A: Great comment on that song, by the way.
Vintage Queen Goldfinger
D: Is that the Goldfinger one? Because that’s all that needs to be said, really.
A: That was the last one, but it sums this up too. Classic buttrock; complaining about women.
D: We’ve already discussed this song by discussing the others, it’s so generic.
A: It really is sub Tony Hawk soundtrack generic rubbish.
D: Before we hit the ska though, the YouTube playlist does miss out one track listed on the album.
Sway Bic Runga
A: Ah, of course, my favourite song by a woman named after a pen; Bic, please! This song is full-on teen movie music, but like… romantic teen movie.
D: I impulsively slapped my knee to that joke and then immediately regretted it.
A: Never regret a good knee slap!!! Now, listening to this song in full, it’s kind of pleasant!
D: She’s had two songs on this album, not a bad job. It does feel a little forced in the sense of, ‘we care about women, here’s a woman singer, that covers the female characters pretty much’.
A: That’s true. If I remember, this is the post coital song; they’re all wiping their gennies off to this ballad. It feels the most clear cut single of the album, in that this song would be bigger than the soundtrack itself.
D: Swaying those nuts in the sink as you clean them off. I have to say, for a song missed on the playlist, this is by far the most legitimately nice song on the album.
A: OH NO.
D: I WAS GOING TO SEND THAT. A LOT TO UNPACK THERE.
A: To start any action? Does he mean purely sexual action… or any action at all? Got to do the washing up? Put on the Bic!
D: It’s such a sweet, innocent comment, right up until expressing it was a fuck jam. But then, also maybe a life jam.
A: I love this song, and my girlfriend. I remember listening to this with her as I went from flaccid to rock hard in the same sentence. Sweet, then so inappropriate.
D: Especially for this song, of all the fuck jams, on the album.
A: It’s more of a slow dance song than a bone jam, surely?
D: “Lemme sway those tiddies.”
A: God! I hope the comment isn’t genuine, if it is it’s just too sad to handle so… R.I.Possible? If it is true, let’s hope, like this next band, he got some loose nuts during his time with her.
D: It’s the high school prom: all the guys have secured the women they’re meant to be with, Finch gets his prom dance, and whispers into her ear as they slow dance, “lets start action”, she giggles, “Ooh, what action?”, “….Any action”.
A: Just anything! Dance, do your taxes, tie your shoes! Who cares!
D: Oh boy, we’ve turned a dead girlfriend into a punchline while reviewing a soundtrack, let’s just get to the ska.
A: Let’s ska away from that one with a furious ska classic.
Wishen The Loose Nuts
A: Also this comment.
D: Holy shit.
A: This song has tempo and very heavy late ’90’s vibes which is fun. It’s interesting to listen to this, and the next song, just to marvel at the fact that these genres ever existed.
D: Plus a real bizarre I Love Lucy reference at the start that does not play into it?
A: It does not. I feel like they just went, “it’s ska punk, bro. Doesn’t have to make sense”. I can’t believe there’s not more ska on here, I guess I was just spoiled by the Mighty Mighty Bosstones‘ cameo in Clueless.
D: Honestly? Sway, Wishen, and Man With The Hex may be the best songs on here. It’s a shockingly strong end to the album.
Man With The Hex The Atomic Fireballs
A: They buried the lead so hard; this trio of songs brings the album’s stats up hard, and somehow even though disparate, the songs make sense together.
D: They have the energy to drive a teen comedy like this, whereas the others feel so just crammed into the background mix because ‘teens’.
A: For sure. Those other songs definitely sound like background teen party songs, whereas these sounds are front and centre. These ones grab you by the pie-stained nuts.
D: I was about to say, I actually remember in that movie. Apparently in The Haunted Mansion as well.
A: I love it because it makes it sound like Scooby personally brought people to this. He DROVE me here! This song is prolific! A weird reminder that swing music had a thing in the ’90’s.
D: Swing and ska; people liked getting weird with it.
A: Not to mention. the guy sounds a lot like a Tom Waits impersonator. Doesn’t necessarily fit with the buttrock tracks, but it is a fun closer.
D: A solid end to the album… though is this our end? Because there’s quite a few songs that aren’t on the album.
A: They left off some of the best songs in the film! One Week, Flagpole Sitta, and Don’t You Forget About Me, which I’m guessing was because they were more expensive? Flagpole Sitta would’ve fit so well on this album.
D: That makes sense, definitely more expensive than the garbage we get on the CD.
A: “Hey, shall we go for this great song that sums up alternative rock in the ’90’s or, uh, Sugar Ray?”, “the fuck do I look like to you? SUGAR RAY, ALWAYS SUGAR RAY”. I do think this soundtrack benefits from brevity, though, it’s thirteen songs long it feels fairly short.
D: This conversation definitely does feel briefer than the Forever one.
A: It’s a leaner and more focused album, whereas Batman was unwieldy and pretty damn tiring.
D: Do we want to just talk about some of the good missed ones, or maybe leave this for a part two? Because there’s some big bands used and I’m currently flashing back, acid style, to how much I loved Hole.
A: I haven’t had a chance to listen to any of the non-used songs, aside from those that I already know. Oh, I LOVED Hole, especially Celeb Skin, penned by none other than William Billiam Corgan.
D: An actual female rock band this time, unlike the Forever one that wasn’t… Ooh, I can hear the Corgan.
A: If I remember correctly, the original Don’t You Forget About Me isn’t used; it’s a bad cover done by the band at the prom. A clever, very subtle nod to a certain other teen film.
D: Good ol’ Billy “I bought TNA cause they still love ’00’s rock” Corgan.
A: Good ol’ Billy “I drove my band mates out the band because I’m insufferable” Corgan
D: He goes by some long monikers, which is only fitting for such a guy.
A: The weird thing about this song list is, as clearly as I remember Semi Charmed Life, I don’t actually remember it in the film, for me it will forever be a late ’90’s movie trailer song.
D: It just permeates the era. Like Doctor Who, if you went back in time and stopped Third Eye from making that song, time and space around the millennium would literally collapse.
A: There is no new millennium if there is no Semi Charmed Life. It just has to exist. Wow, they left off Laid which was the series’ unofficial theme song. It’s in all of them and they didn’t even slap it on the album.
Laid Matt Nathanson
D: Literally listening to that now! I feel we should wrap up by talking about that one at least.
A: For sure, it’s the Matt Nathanson version they use.
D: Not quite the buttrock anthem to remember the franchise by.
A: It isn’t, but it is overtly sexual, which ties in nicely, and the acoustic guitar makes me think of the beach-bum style which this film seems to enjoy.
D: It gets across the vibe that no matter what happens with your downstairs dirties, just be chill and take it easy.
A: That’s true! Everything will be okay, even when you’ve jizzed in your pants twice and everyone on the internet has seen it.
D: I will note two things: Matt Nathanson looks a fair bit like Michael Showalter, and there is a line about playing with gender roles that I feel every teenager watching American Pie has never noticed.
A: I agree with both of those things. Feels a little too sophisticated for American Pie, like a hip song that’d be used in some Gen X film; Reality Bites or something.
D: Much like the last three songs of the album.
A: The last three songs must’ve been someone’s cool older brother coming,”you still listen to this shit? Here, let me make you a mix tape”.
D: Let me make you a real fuck jam.
A: A true fuck jam for a movie about a guy who’s in a fuck jam.
D: And, if you’re not feeling up to it, or don’t want to fuck a pie, then I also have this playlist HARD ROCK SOFT COCK.
A: The HARD ROCK SOFT COCK is on standby, brothers! It’s always there for you, when the rain starts to pour. which ironically, is on the playlist! It may not be hard rock, but it sure makes me soft.
D: So, even though we went out of our way to find an opposite to Forever, it still comes down to fuck jams.
A: It’s all about the fuck jams with these soundtracks.
D: Maybe, next time, we’ll find something we can‘t sway our sacks to.
A: I think they assume some couple will see the movie together, buy the album, and throw it on when they get down to starting any action. The day I can’t sway my sack to a song is the day I put my sack away for good.
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