Who in the universe would want to journey through hours of gassy, how-we-filmed-the-nebulae trivia?
Top Monsters from Wrestling Hell
There’s an eternal tale of a battle between good and evil. A world where miracles and resurrections are commonplace. Usually, the folk who believe it’s all real live in the South. In many ways, wrestling is a religious experience. The two industries have done business from David and the Goliath to Ellsworth and Styles.
It can go both ways, the New Day start as a black gospel stable before making cereal and anime work. On the flip side, real people like Shawn Michaels can become born-again Christians.
“There’s only one God […] and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t dress like that”, said a wise man. In equal wisdom, WWE CEO Vince McMahon knows best how to dress the big man in his in-ring debut. He doesn’t. He also books God to abandon the match leaving his tag team partner to lose.
To keep the roster diverse, WWE have to talent search both above, below, bath, and beyond. These monsters are willing and ready to compete for belts, money, and material gain. Even in death, lives on the American dream.
10 | Papa Shango
So the first one isn’t strictly dead or even a demon himself. But most of these people have practiced demonic rituals live on TV. Seems fair to include the Voodoo King himself. The well-built witch doctor knows how to make an entrance. Spooking us with his smoking skull and a Baron Samedi rental costume.
Shango is not a graceful monster, he looks fit, but could’ve done more exercise than exorcisms. He struggles to interfere at Wrestlemania VIII, barely preventing Hogan getting the pinfall. He rarely has to use his physical power, to be fair. Magic curses are enough for superstars like Ultimate Warrior to projectile vomit everywhere.
Despite the mystic mastery, constant squashes in the Warrior feud kill the push for poor Papa. Soon knowing to Shan-go home, he does learn the subjugation of the living is easier than the dead.
9 | The Yeti
This entry is less an individual as he is an event. A moment where you question if pro-wrestling has finally gone to Hell in a hand basket.
Much how DC brought us the Suicide Squad, WCW assemble an embarrassment of gimmicks. A last-ditch attempt in a war against another kind of beast. The event known as Hulkamania. Kevin Sullivan rallies the Dungeon of Doom; freaks and forgotten of Hogan’s past. Led in vengeance by a giant waving a shirt about.
Debuting before the all too appropriate Halloween Havoc of ’95. The Yeti, or “Ye-tay”, is a mystery wrapped in ice, an “insurance policy” from the Himalayas. Remember, this was prime WCW, far more obsessed with outlandish than authentic matches. As if the audience paid for everything but actual wrestling.
We sure don’t waste as much money as the company do on monster trucks, jaw dropping only to allow the yawns out. The Giant falls off the building and staggers into an uneventful main event. Overwhelmed by the prayers and vitamins of Hulkamania, the DoD’s back up breaks out.
Like a frat house, it’s got toilet paper thrown over it and ready for awkward groping. The Yeti is a back up only in the sense that it gives the Giant time to run away with the belt. We had little time to assess whether this Himalayan yeti was an Egyptian mummy before. We had even less time before he became a Japanese ninja.
8 | Seven
Pale faced, panda eyed, and slapped in black leather. Think before Paige back to the debut of the mysterious Seven. He isn’t magnificent, though his name foreshadows the total time spent on screen.
Many monsters have got across clear why they belong in Hell, from magic to murder, taking heels to the next level. Seven sentences himself in some very choice sentences during his debut promos. Peering in a small child’s bedroom window, he must’ve been doing audience research.
“Who is in your unknown?” He’s a young boy, let him discover his unknowns by himself. Okay, the road to Hell is paved in good intentions. He does promise the kid to live forever in complete bliss. Unless there’s Alexa prefacing that, I hope the writer’s are talking blissful ignorance.
Uncle Fester becomes a real creepy uncle. As soon as he appears, he floats away just as strangely. He also tells the company to shove his dumb outfit up their unknowns on the way out.
7 | The Sinister Minister
Donning a sinfully ironic red preacher’s suit with eyebrows slicked as horns. The devil himself, hiding in plain sight and relishing the spotlight. Waxing poetic while knowing what modern audiences love too. Sharing a lovely comparison of a rival’s romantic life as “a tricycle in a two car garage”.
He was the Mephistopheles of Faustian legend. Those he manages, he damns from the first bell. Why isn’t such a corruptible force higher on the list?
Behind the smoke and mirrors, and also the stage, he gets seriously injured. While summoning a fireball, the gear malfunctions, blowing off at least one finger. More ER than evil, one can only hope the Yeti can spare some bandages.
6 | Boogeyman
Hailing from the Bottomless Pit, known in biblical terms as the abyss to Hell. Either he loves alternative rock or spends too much time with Seven, he sure loves a good hole.
The Eater of Worms could be anything. Like Eric Rowan or DiCaprio, his whole body is caked in hair and red. Human or animal, he does has a heart, too bad it’s strapped around his neck. So is he the Boogeyman, the hider in the closet, the lurker under the bed? Now he sounds like Seven.
A walking nightmare who gives them to everyone in the WWE. Stalking and hiding, even building a wobbly table around his head to spook Simon Dean. A man dragged to the ring by security to start the match. Apparently submissions don’t work before the bell.
As for actual threats, you better confront him with a stomach of steel. He’ll ram a handful of worms in there before downing some himself. He also loves clocking himself in the head with a clock, suggesting his timeless age. Even Big Match John gets scared and your time is up, his time is now.
The “insurance” monster at Halloween Havoc is pretty bad. The insurer who behind it, though? Brooding like Thanos and assembling like Fury, the Master draws his #SupernaturalOutcasts.
Like the Doctor Who villain, his Machiavellian schemes are bound to fail. Like the Paul Thomas Anderson film, he doesn’t make sense half the time. Audiences always prefer the saccharine sweetness of boiled hot-dog skin Hogan.
The dungeon masters themselves hold impressive powers from beyond. Kevin Sullivan hears a voice on the wind, booming and incomprehensible, teleporting underground. Purgatory? Parts Unknown? Probably polystyrene. Hogan finds himself trapped here; shocked at no Hulkamaniacs and more that water isn’t hot.
They meet what is only comparable to Marlon Brando from the Island of Dr. Moreau. Sullivan gets a sweet upgrade though, like Megatron to Galvatron in the Transformers Movie. Becoming the Taskmaster who pretty much did most of the actual legwork.
The Master’s last embarrassment was Hogan revealing his hidden card. The zebra striped Zodiac minion was none other than Hogan’s undercover spy and pal, the Booty Man.
Oh, and when I referenced Doctor Who, of course I meant he resembles a Sontaran.
Now we’re at the real living legends, or not so much, with the Deadman himself. Introduced as an immortal, impervious undertaker, is he just the walking dead? Those getting tombstone’d would agree the Master of Pain is flesh and blood.
Then what of Paul Bearer’s mysterious urn that seems to control his actions? Does it contain his ashes, his soul, his pure evil? Doesn’t matter, Kama puts an end to that by melting it down into jewelry. Impressive moves for a ghost if all that’s left of him. Then again, he is also susceptible to chloroform at the hands of Giant Gonzalez.
Lasting over twenty five years, a saga as long and tired as Supernatural itself. Did he murder his half-brother Kane, burn him, or scar him mentally? Did he escape the padlocked casket set ablaze by his vengeful bro or die (a second time?)? Was his intent with the Ministry of Darkness to take over WWE for Hell on Earth? Or help Vince pull an insane twist more ridiculous than the entire Saw franchise?
In case we forget, most of this gets answered and solved with people hitting each other. The Deadman then retreats back into the dark to labour on his most surprising reveal.
A ginger biker dad. The only resurrection here is one of his childhood fantasies. Turns out riding such a hog around the squared circle isn’t that entertaining. Many awkward ninety degree turns and a few stalls later. He parks the cycle and returns to the casket.
More recently, a beast unlike any other rears his head. Finn Bálor, the Demon of NXT. How does he stand above the rest? It seems so simple after all the sacrificial weddings, reincarnations, and bodily functions. This guy gives them what they came for, good wrestling.
A terrific technical worker, consistent talent on the mat and the mic, and a lovable bloke in and out of the ring. That’s the second big distinction, he never does anything that evil. Which is weird for a monster who cosplayed as Jack the Ripper at a London Pay-Per-View.
So he’s a nice demon? I guess he brought that chainsaw to Takeover: Dallas as a gift to the outdoorsy Daniel Bryan. He doesn’t even exist all the time, to be fair, most the time on regular matches we see Fergal Devitt. Which is either an Irish fairy tale or something you catch on a real nasty night out.
We still call him Finn Bálor, a portmanteau of two actual folktales. Perhaps he took the ring name from ancient lore, summoning the demon spirit. He might have Stockholm Syndrome. Either way, he’s one of the whitest fellas to get away with the dreads look.
For a legend renown as the Devil’s Favourite Demon, he’d have to be top of the list. Among all the ghouls and ghosts, the Big Red Monster is a beast above them all.
They hide and scurry in smoke and shadows, but Kane can open up the pits to Hell. Located conveniently in the ring. WWE could be doing a Ghostbusters 2, sliming up the overwhelming evil to fuel their business. It makes sense then if they sprayed a bag of Jersey Shore merch to animate Enzo Amore.
It’s a two way trip when Kane isn’t wasting time for the ref, he’ll drag his victims down with him. For premature damnation, they usually show up later fine. Treating eternal fires and brimstone as an inconvenient injury. Worse still is when the man himself can’t quite climb out of his own domain.
Having tried to unravel his brother of destruction’s backstory, Kane’s is just as convoluted. Is Kane actually a demon for starters? He’s been a committed burn victim, a corrupt business man, and a half-decent concession vendor. Stretch further back, he may even be a demented dentist and a mutant Christmas tree. He might as well go by Legion, for he is many gimmicks.
Despite relentless determination, this stable of demons have taken a toll on the man Kane. His mask to hide childhood scars only reveals a dirty face and terrible hairline. He still wears a wig which speaks volumes of his confidence. He must have a demon desperate to get back to Hell possessing his knee. It’s the first thing that hits the mat every time he lands.
Some of you may be raising a little Hell now. Asking how the Little Bastard could top some of these hellish icons of wrestling. Some of you may also question whether this is suggesting his stature dictates him as a monster.
That second one is a quick no. Although he is the monstrous Leprechaun in a 2014 remake, and demonic or not, that film belongs in a fire.
Where does Hornswoggle come from? Ireland it seems, but where does he live? Under the ring! Which we all know acts as a gateway to Hell, who else hangs by rims for the Bottomless Pit? Yeah, I’m going to say Seven again.
But let’s go back to 2007, where the deep lore explodes. In one of Mr. McMahon’s many story lines, he’s expanding his dynasty by revealing an illegitimate son. The crowd goes mild as Hornswoggle McMahon comes out. The world wasn’t ready and it adds to the list of Vince’s dumb theatrics. A mere comedy bit or a look behind the curtain? The finest trick the devil ever played is persuading you he doesn’t exist.
People call McMahon pure evil, the ringleader of a gladiatorial combat held on the mouth of Hell. If the head honcho himself is the Devil in disguise… Then that would make Hornswoggle the Anti-Christ?
Who knows, he does the indie circuit and TNA now, which is it’s own ethereal plane now with the Hardys.